Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
