we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize