here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
