i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
