Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize