Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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