I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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