I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
