when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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