Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
