just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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