I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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