I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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