My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
