There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
