Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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