My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am naked and annoyed.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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