Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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