i already hear my dad disowning me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
