I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
then he tried to convert me to islam
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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