i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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