idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize