yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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