Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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