Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
