8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
wanna go halves on a baby?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
