My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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