I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just pee around me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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