You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
