ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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