he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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