once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Vodka?
Forever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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