You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
