things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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