Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
