We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
