I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
