i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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