Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
did i just pee glitter
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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