I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
