turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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