You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
