i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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