she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
