I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
