I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
