I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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