Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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