I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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