im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
