Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The adults are the big ones right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
