My nipple is on Facebook.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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