Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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