Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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