i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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