Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
