My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
