Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
