you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
